A considered critique of an attempt to predict the future of the emergency vehicle

Train of the future or something. Image: Paramount.

Toot toot! It’s prognosticating press release-a-clock everyone!

Internet car-based website CarKeys.co.uk has for some reason decided to imagine what emergency vehicles FROM THE FUTURE would look like and has sent pictures of them to CityMetric, presumably in the hope of having their brand mentioned on the internet. Here’s our review.

Fire Engine OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Well, it is spraying a jet of water – a turbojet, no less – so that’s a start. Can’t quibble with an infrared camera or “tyres that cannot go flat”. Not entirely convinced that the best thing to do in an emergency is to turn the windscreen into an “augmented reality display” full of graphs. 

But then there’s the LED display. An LED display? You know who else had an LED display on the side of their emergency vehicle? The Ghostbusters. In 1989. You can buy them in Maplins.

Ambulance OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Let’s not even start with the bold claim that an ambulance with a door at the back represents an astonishing insight into the world of tomorrow.

Fine, an ambulance with supersonic jet engines that’s also amphibious, sounds good. Should have whacked those engines on the fire engine while you were at it, instead of an LED display. And given it’s made up why limit it to Mach 1.3? Why not say it’s Mach One Million Trillion?

The best feature by far though is the SKIN GUN, which sprays stem cells out of the front of the ambulance to fix burn victims. Job done! Why not just install “a magic laser that make you better”? Then you wouldn’t even need the door at the back.

Police Car OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Even they have to admit that this isn’t actually a car, so why… oh, never mind.

The Centreless Wheel, Electronic Shock Absorbers and Brushless DC Motor all do so sound like exciting innovations in motorbike technology, but not that particular to police work. Did someone get bored and just want to draw a space motorbike?

And while the augmented reality display (yes, another one) that “analizes” (sic) subject movement patterns sounds more promising, maybe it’s not the greatest PR move to name (and design) the special police computer after the computer in 2001 that murdered everyone?

Maybe we’re being unfair. Maybe designing emergency vehicles of the future is more difficult than it looks. So let’s give it a go:

CityMetric’s Lifeboat OF THE FUTURE

 

Not gonna lie, this one is not worth expanding.

Special future features to help in future emergencies: 

  • Has legs for if it needs to walk out of the sea;
  • Is also a helicopter;
  • Laser guns to shoot naughty waves;
  • CD changer for 50 different CDs;
  • Special foghorn that plays EDM remix of the Blue Peter theme and summons Poseidon, god of the sea;
  • TWO LED Displays.

Smashed it.

Ed Jefferson works for the internet and tweets as @edjeff.

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CityMetric is now City Monitor! Come see us at our new home

City Monitor is now live in beta at citymonitor.ai.

CityMetric is now City Monitor, a name that reflects both a ramping up of our ambitions as well as our membership in a network of like-minded publications from New Statesman Media Group. Our new site is now live in beta, so please visit us there going forward. Here’s what CityMetric readers should know about this exciting transition.  

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Sommer Mathis is editor-in-chief of City Monitor.