A considered critique of an attempt to predict the future of the emergency vehicle

Train of the future or something. Image: Paramount.

Toot toot! It’s prognosticating press release-a-clock everyone!

Internet car-based website CarKeys.co.uk has for some reason decided to imagine what emergency vehicles FROM THE FUTURE would look like and has sent pictures of them to CityMetric, presumably in the hope of having their brand mentioned on the internet. Here’s our review.

Fire Engine OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Well, it is spraying a jet of water – a turbojet, no less – so that’s a start. Can’t quibble with an infrared camera or “tyres that cannot go flat”. Not entirely convinced that the best thing to do in an emergency is to turn the windscreen into an “augmented reality display” full of graphs. 

But then there’s the LED display. An LED display? You know who else had an LED display on the side of their emergency vehicle? The Ghostbusters. In 1989. You can buy them in Maplins.

Ambulance OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Let’s not even start with the bold claim that an ambulance with a door at the back represents an astonishing insight into the world of tomorrow.

Fine, an ambulance with supersonic jet engines that’s also amphibious, sounds good. Should have whacked those engines on the fire engine while you were at it, instead of an LED display. And given it’s made up why limit it to Mach 1.3? Why not say it’s Mach One Million Trillion?

The best feature by far though is the SKIN GUN, which sprays stem cells out of the front of the ambulance to fix burn victims. Job done! Why not just install “a magic laser that make you better”? Then you wouldn’t even need the door at the back.

Police Car OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Even they have to admit that this isn’t actually a car, so why… oh, never mind.

The Centreless Wheel, Electronic Shock Absorbers and Brushless DC Motor all do so sound like exciting innovations in motorbike technology, but not that particular to police work. Did someone get bored and just want to draw a space motorbike?

And while the augmented reality display (yes, another one) that “analizes” (sic) subject movement patterns sounds more promising, maybe it’s not the greatest PR move to name (and design) the special police computer after the computer in 2001 that murdered everyone?

Maybe we’re being unfair. Maybe designing emergency vehicles of the future is more difficult than it looks. So let’s give it a go:

CityMetric’s Lifeboat OF THE FUTURE

 

Not gonna lie, this one is not worth expanding.

Special future features to help in future emergencies: 

  • Has legs for if it needs to walk out of the sea;
  • Is also a helicopter;
  • Laser guns to shoot naughty waves;
  • CD changer for 50 different CDs;
  • Special foghorn that plays EDM remix of the Blue Peter theme and summons Poseidon, god of the sea;
  • TWO LED Displays.

Smashed it.

Ed Jefferson works for the internet and tweets as @edjeff.

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Budget 2017: Philip Hammond just showed that rejecting metro mayors was a terrible, terrible error

Sorry, Leeds, nothing here for you: Philip Hammond and his big red box. Image: Getty.

There were some in England’s cities, one sensed, who breathed a sigh of relief when George Osborne left the Treasury. Not only was he the architect of austerity, a policy which had seen council budgets slashed as never before: he’d also refused to countenance any serious devolution to city regions that refused to have a mayor, an innovation that several remained dead-set against.

So his political demise after the Brexit referendum was seen, in some quarters, as A Good Thing for devolution. The new regime, it was hoped, would be amenable to a variety of governance structures more sensitive to particular local needs.

Well, that theory just went out of the window. In his Budget statement today, in between producing some of the worst growth forecasts that anyone can remember and failing to solve the housing crisis, chancellor Philip Hammond outlined some of the things he was planning for Britain’s cities.

And, intentionally or otherwise, he made it very clear that it was those areas which had accepted Osborne’s terms which were going to win out. 

The big new announcement was a £1.7bn “Transforming Cities Fund”, which will

“target projects which drive productivity by improving connectivity, reducing congestion and utilising new mobility services and technology”.

To translate this into English, this is cash for better public transport.

And half of this money will go straight to the six city regions which last May elected their first metro mayor elections. The money is being allocated on a per capita basis which, in descending order of generosity, means:

  • £250m to West Midlands
  • £243 to Greater Manchester
  • £134 to Liverpool City Region
  • £80m to West of England
  • £74m to Cambridgeshire &d Peterborough
  • £59m to Tees Valley

That’s £840m accounted for. The rest will be available to other cities – but the difference is, they’ll have to bid for it.

So the Tees Valley, which accepted Osborne’s terms, will automatically get a chunk of cash to improve their transport system. Leeds, which didn’t, still has to go begging.

One city which doesn’t have to go begging is Newcastle. Hammond promised to replace the 40 year old trains on the Tyne & Wear metro at a cost of £337m. In what may or may not be a coincidence, he also confirmed a new devolution deal with the “North of Tyne” region (Newcastle, North Tyne, Northumberland). This is a faintly ridiculous geography for such a deal, since it excludes Sunderland and, worse, Gateshead, which is, to most intents and purposes, simply the southern bit of Newcastle. But it’s a start, and will bring £600m more investment to the region. A new mayor will be elected in 2018.

Hammond’s speech contained other goodies for cites too, of course. Here’s a quick rundown:

  • £123m for the regeneration of the Redcar Steelworks site: that looks like a sop to Ben Houchen, the Tory who unexpectedly won the Tees Valley mayoral election last May;
  • A second devolution deal for the West Midlands: tat includes more money for skills and housing (though the sums are dwarfed by the aforementioned transport money);
  • A new local industrial strategy for Greater Manchester, as well as exploring “options for the future beyond the Fund, including land value capture”;
  • £300m for rail improvements tied into HS2, which “will enable faster services between Liverpool and Manchester, Sheffeld, Leeds and York, as well as to Leicester and other places in the East Midlands and London”.

Hammond also made a few promises to cities beyond England: opening negotiations for a Belfast City Deal, and pointing to progress on city deals in Dundee and Stirling.


A city that doesn’t get any big promises out of this budget is – atypically – London. Hammond promised to “continue to work with TfL on the funding and financing of Crossrail 2”, but that’s a long way from promising to pay for it. He did mention plans to pilot 100 per cent business rate retention in the capital next year, however – which, given the value of property in London, is potentially quite a big deal.

So at least that’s something. And London, as has often been noted, has done very well for itself in most budgets down the year.

Many of the other big regional cities haven’t. Yet Leeds, Sheffield, Nottingham and Derby were all notable for their absence, both from Hammond’s speech and from the Treasury documents accompanying it.

And not one of them has a devolution deal or a metro mayor.

(If you came here looking for my thoughts on the housing element of the budget speech, then you can find them over at the New Statesman. Short version: oh, god.)

Jonn Elledge is the editor of CityMetric. He is on Twitter as @jonnelledge and also has a Facebook page now for some reason.

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