A considered critique of an attempt to predict the future of the emergency vehicle

Train of the future or something. Image: Paramount.

Toot toot! It’s prognosticating press release-a-clock everyone!

Internet car-based website CarKeys.co.uk has for some reason decided to imagine what emergency vehicles FROM THE FUTURE would look like and has sent pictures of them to CityMetric, presumably in the hope of having their brand mentioned on the internet. Here’s our review.

Fire Engine OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Well, it is spraying a jet of water – a turbojet, no less – so that’s a start. Can’t quibble with an infrared camera or “tyres that cannot go flat”. Not entirely convinced that the best thing to do in an emergency is to turn the windscreen into an “augmented reality display” full of graphs. 

But then there’s the LED display. An LED display? You know who else had an LED display on the side of their emergency vehicle? The Ghostbusters. In 1989. You can buy them in Maplins.

Ambulance OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Let’s not even start with the bold claim that an ambulance with a door at the back represents an astonishing insight into the world of tomorrow.

Fine, an ambulance with supersonic jet engines that’s also amphibious, sounds good. Should have whacked those engines on the fire engine while you were at it, instead of an LED display. And given it’s made up why limit it to Mach 1.3? Why not say it’s Mach One Million Trillion?

The best feature by far though is the SKIN GUN, which sprays stem cells out of the front of the ambulance to fix burn victims. Job done! Why not just install “a magic laser that make you better”? Then you wouldn’t even need the door at the back.

Police Car OF THE FUTURE

Click to expand.

Even they have to admit that this isn’t actually a car, so why… oh, never mind.

The Centreless Wheel, Electronic Shock Absorbers and Brushless DC Motor all do so sound like exciting innovations in motorbike technology, but not that particular to police work. Did someone get bored and just want to draw a space motorbike?

And while the augmented reality display (yes, another one) that “analizes” (sic) subject movement patterns sounds more promising, maybe it’s not the greatest PR move to name (and design) the special police computer after the computer in 2001 that murdered everyone?

Maybe we’re being unfair. Maybe designing emergency vehicles of the future is more difficult than it looks. So let’s give it a go:

CityMetric’s Lifeboat OF THE FUTURE

 

Not gonna lie, this one is not worth expanding.

Special future features to help in future emergencies: 

  • Has legs for if it needs to walk out of the sea;
  • Is also a helicopter;
  • Laser guns to shoot naughty waves;
  • CD changer for 50 different CDs;
  • Special foghorn that plays EDM remix of the Blue Peter theme and summons Poseidon, god of the sea;
  • TWO LED Displays.

Smashed it.

Ed Jefferson works for the internet and tweets as @edjeff.

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Ottawa-Gatineau, the national capital which language differences nearly split into two countries

The Canadian parliament, Ottawa.

There are many single urban areas with multiple, competing local identities: from the rivalry of Newcastle and Sunderland in Tyne & Wear, to the Wolverhampton residents who resolutely deny that they are part of Birmingham, despite being in the same urban conurbation and sharing a mayor.

However, no division is quite as stark as that of the Ottawa-Gatineau metropolitan area in Canada. Often referred to as the National Capital Region, Ottawa and Gatineau lie directly opposite each other on either side of the Ottawa River, a hundred miles from Montreal, the nearest other significant population centre. Because the conurbation straddles a provincial boundary, the two cities literally speak a different language, with Ottawa in predominantly Anglophone Ontario and Gatineau in Francophone Quebec.

This is reflected in their populations. According to the 2011 census, French was the mother tongue of 77 per cent of those in Gatineau, a percentage maintained by policies intended to keep French as Quebec’s dominant language. Similarly, although Ottawa provides some bilingual services, 68 per cent of its residents are predominantly Anglophone; Franco-Ontarians frequently complain that the city is not officially bilingual.

Although there are similar divided cities, such as the Cypriot capital of Nicosia, Ottawa-Gatineau is unique in that the city was not divided by a war or major political event: its two halves have been part of the same political territory since the British defeated the French in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham in 1759, before either of the cities were even established. Indeed, the oldest part of Gatineau is actually an Anglophone settlement with the name of Hull (it was merged into the Gatineau municipality in 2002).


Today, the two cities facing each other across the Ottawa river have separate services, and elect difference mayors to run them: OC Transpo serves Ottawa, the Société de Transport de l’Outaouais (STO) serves  Gatineau, and few tickets are transferrable between the two systems.

OC Transpo is currently constructing a light rail system to many parts of Ottawa; but proposals to expand the route into Gatineau, or to merge the two transport systems have been fraught with obstacles. The City of Ottawa owns a disused railway bridge, connecting the two cities, but arguments about funding and political differences have so far prevented it from being used as part of the light rail extension project.

The divisions between Ottawa and Gatineau are made all the more unusual by the fact that Ottawa is the federal capital of Canada – a country where bilingualism is entrenched in the Charter of Rights & Freedom as a bedrock principle of the Canadian constitution. As a result, while all proceedings within the Canadian legislature are bilingual, this principle of bilingualism is not reflected on the streets surrounding the building.

The inevitable map. Image: Google.

These linguistic, as well as political, differences have been a long-running theme in Canadian politics. Quebec held independence referendums in both 1980 and 1995; in the latter, the separatists were defeated by a margin of less than 0.6 per cent. Quebecois independence would be made all the more humiliating for Canada by the fact it would be losing the Canadian Museum of History in Gatineau, while its parliament was forced to look out across the river at its new neighbours.

While Quebec as a whole only narrowly rejected independence in 1995, 72 per cent of Gatineau residents voted against the separatist proposal. The presence of many federal employees living in the city, who commute to Ottawa, meant that the city was rather unenthusiastic about the prospect of independence.

So, with Quebec nationalism currently at a low ebb, Gatineau seems set to remain a part of Canada – albeit while retaining its independent from the other half of its conurbation, across the river. While recent challenges such as flooding may have been better tackled by a unitary authority, the National Capital Region seems set to remain a tale of two cities.

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